Continuing from my last post where I talked about sex and mental health...
3. What to look for in a partner
My parents have always been okay with their daughters finding someone for themselves but never really told us what is important. Words like ‘compromise’ and ‘adjust’ were heard and so was social acceptability. I was not taught to look for compatibility, alignment in values and goals, or even something as simple as whether we make each other happy. There have been discussions about how the other person’s family should ideally accept me and other secondary issues which are way less important than the equation I would share with my partner. Growing up, I had to do a lot of unlearning and teach myself to focus on the right things and not get carried away by the external noise. Love is tricky but it gets trickier when you don't grow up seeing happy, healthy relationships around you.
4. To walk out of something if it isn’t emotionally fulfilling
I realize now that there is a very fine line between persistence and tolerance. A bad day at school or work is VERY different from studying a subject or doing a job you don’t like for years. The same goes for any relationship we have with another person – you can argue and have your differences, but one should know when it crosses the line of being emotionally unhealthy. I have learned to teach myself this over the last few years without feeling guilty. When things get dark, we are all we have got to get us out of there, and it's very important to stay close to the people who help. It does not always mean that the others mean us harm, but they might bring out a certain side of us or trigger a memory that is unhealthy. Growing up, I was always expected to be social and cordial even if it made me uncomfortable. I was told to keep in touch or communicate with people merely because they are family even though spending time with them made me the opposite of happy. My emotional difficulties in high school were shunned because school was a place of education and that’s what I was told to focus on, making me feel equally alone at home.
Don’t get me wrong here – I am not using this space to talk ill about my parents behind their back. I have always treated them as individuals, keeping their personal journeys in mind instead of deifying them and putting them on a pedestal simply because they happen to be two adults who combinedly gave birth to me and brought me up. They have their flaws, like all of us. I am grateful for all that they have done for me to ensure I have a good life and I know they tried. In one of my upcoming posts, I will talk about a few things that I really appreciate about my upbringing. But having said that, I do wish there was some active effort and awareness on their part to work on themselves and the relationship that we currently share.